Time for a holiday?

I think I’m in desperate need of a holiday. Everywhere I turn lately I’m assaulted by reminders of a family trip to the UK two years ago.

We spent Christmas with my sister, who’s using her ancestry visa to get her British passport. Being winter, the weather ranged from chilly to freezing (for us warm-blooded South African’s at any rate) with overcast skies and a wind chill factor that bit to the bone. It was wonderful! My only complaint was the ridiculously few number of daylight hours – usually no more than 6 – cos when it’s dark, I want to sleep.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had numerous flashbacks. The early morning Joburg weather is chilly and overcast and you’d be surprized how much an Engen or BP garage smells like the underground. Since I was using the garage shops to satisfy my early-morning demand for caffeine, I was further reminded of this trip – on the journey from London to Plymouth we pulled into quite few one stops to pump our own petrol and stock up on stash*.

So each of these reminders was like a little holiday, but they really only added to the growing desire I feel for a new holiday adventure.

 * Stash is a Kennedy necessity while travelling, and usually consists of chips, chocolate, biscuits and biltong. However if my mom is in charge we get wholewheat vegetable sarmies, no-sugar-added fruit juice and wine gums.

I'm ok, I'm alright

After a couple of frantic SMSs from Baby Sis last night, wondering what was happening in my life, I thought I'd write a quick post to reassure everyone that I'm fine, at least in the physical sense. I'm nowhere near an actual earthquake. My turmoil is all psychological, pertaining mostly to some changes at work that I'm finding a little hard to deal with. It’s gone from being safe and fun to a little scary and stressful, and I’m still figuring out how to navigate this new situation.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me and I needed an outlet – the exact reason I started this blog in the first place. To give you a more concrete understanding, I can tell you that BossLady resigned – Thursday was her last day – and, until her replacement starts on 3 May, I’ve been left in charge of the department.

BL was a large part of why I’ve enjoyed my job so much over the last 2-odd years. She’s been my mentor and a pretty good friend. I’m missing her leadership and the security she exuded, not to mention her passion and flamboyant personality.

On Thursday evening 4 of my colleagues and I took BL to see Madam Zingara to say farewell. The show is amazing and I recommend it anyone. I finally switched off my bedside light just before 2am and was sitting at my desk a little after 7am. A serious lack of sleep made all the emotions feel at least twice as intense. Add this to a minor problem at the office and I was an emotional wreck by the time I left there.

But the day was salvaged by a couple of new friends who bought me dinner and assuaged my emotions with an evening of good music. Thanks E and L – you guys rock!

Earthquakes all round

Scenario 1

Imagine you’re walking on a beautifully tarred road. The road is without potholes and its markings are always freshly painted.  The hills, dales, twists and turns, while sometimes large, aren’t insurmountable. Walking on this road is wonderful –it’s a great workout, safe and fun, with interesting scenery and interesting people walking with you. Up ahead, you know someone is preparing this awesome road, but it seems to happen when you’re not looking.

Scenario 2

Now imagine that road is struck by an earthquake. This earthquake devastates the road. It’s reduced to a path of rubble.  You need to be careful where you put your feet, make sure you don’t slip and fall. The up side is that there’s someone there to hold your hand, someone you can lean on, who can show you the best spot to place your next step. You’ve also got a million things to distract you from the state of the road, so its broken shadow of its former self doesn’t freak you out overly much.

Scenario 3

Now imagine that this person disappears and leaves you in charge of guiding other road users. Yip, while you’re floundering on dangerous ground, often in your high heels, you’re now expected to make sure other people don’t slip and fall.

It’s a pretty apt description of my life over the last 8 weeks. It’s the main reason for my absence from blogging. There have been just too many things to deal with and I’m rather good at burying my head in the sand when I don’t want to deal.

However, I’m not one of those people who can ignore this type of thing for ever. I’ve dealt with, or at least I thought I had, some of the emotions of the earthquake. I’ve spent 7 weeks (it took 1 week to get over the shock of the earthquake) distracting myself with planning, organising, applying for a promotion.  This method has kept my emotional rollercoaster away from those scary climbs and falls.

Today is the first day of Scenario 3 and there’s a big part of me railing against the change. I knew it was coming and I prepared as best I could, but still feel a bit like Jack clinging to one of the Titanic’s floating doors, immersed in an angry, ice cold sea.

The rollercoaster is in full swing and I’m finding it hard to keep my composure in public for any length of time. This post isn’t helping with the composure, but it’s a necessary part of my rollercoaster maintenance.

I long to feel safe and secure again.

But, like the people of Japan, I will pick myself up, rebuild this road and learn to be a better person in the long run. It’s just gonna take some time, so please bear with me.