SANParks cordially invites you to join us at Golden Gate Highlands Park, just outside Harrismith, for an overnight excursion for the launch of revamped hotel.
Please meet our kiddie bus at the Groenkloof National Park in Pretoria at 08h00 sharp. We’ll depart at 09h00. We’ll collect a self-important gasbag journalist from his house and chauffer him to a nearby mall where we’ll wait for him to find an ATM. Then we’ll stop in town to collect five more journalists before making our way the destination. On the way we’ll make two pit stops. All this will turn a four hour drive into six.
For on board entertainment we’ve got a Thokozani Langa DVD, which we’ll screen until you can recite the words and perform the choreography. The DVD contains enough images of bare breasted women to get you through the rest of your life, and afterlife.
We’ll put you put up, not in a hotel with coffee, hairdryer, carpeted flooring and central heating, but rather in a self-catering rondavol with screed flooring and a panel heater to keep you warm in the middle of a Free State winter. You’ll need to purchase your own coffee, cremora and sugar. There’s no hairdryer to speak of and the shower is probably the worst designed in the world.
After dinner we’ll ferry you from the hotel parking lot to your sleeping quarters with a kamikaze driver, who will do fair damage to the bus and pristine white Jeep.
In the morning, we’ll collect you nice and early so that you can see the unveiling of a special plaque by the Minister of Water and Environmental Affairs, after which you’ll have a breakfast. Then you’ll need to amuse yourself for 2 hours until we make you sit through a 2 hour programme commemorating World Environmental Day. We’ll give you a quick tour of the hotel, showing you just enough to make you envious of all the dignitaries who spent the night in our wonderful establishment.
We’ll leave Golden Gate at exactly 13h00, which really means 16h00.
We’ll deny that there’s lunch and wait for you to order, eat and pay for your own lunch before announcing a buffet in the dining room. After lunch, you’ll be free to roam the grounds or amuse yourself in other ways.
However, we won’t give you a programme of any sort, so you’ll have no idea what to expect and will pack at least 1 unnecessary outfit, the space for which should ideally be used to pack your artic gear.
In return you’ll get to watch DSTV in your bed and fall asleep under the calming influence of the Maluti mountains.
Here are the directions to our meeting point, but I’m not going to give you my cell phone number, or ask you for yours. If you should get lost on your way to meeting the bus, please feel free to drive around until you find us.
I look forward to hearing your response to this amazing invitation.
Sincerely yours
Amateur PR for SANParks
Dear Amateur PR for SANParks
So, I won’t be staying here?
Instead, I’ll be staying here?
For this?
Wow, how could I pass up such an invite?
I’ll see you at 08h00 on Saturday morning. I’ll definitely get lost on my way, so despite leaving in plenty of time, I’ll be late. To try and find your offices, I’ll switch on my phone’s GPS and chow the battery.
I’ll need two seats on the miniature kiddie bus as I have a gamy knee that needs space to stretch. I’ll check my facebook on my phone, reducing my phone battery down to nothing. I’ll forget my charger and will need you to find someone to charge my phone so that I can I set an alarm for the morning.
I love coffee, so I’ll purchase some sachets of coffee and cremora at the ridiculously expensive spaza shop conveniently located in the rondavol complex, but I’ll under estimate my need and will have to request extra from hotel housekeeping.
To amuse myself on Sunday morning, I’ll trek from the hotel to my room to write a blog post and watch The Tooth Fairy. I’ll make a slightly less arduous trek back to the hotel in a bone chilling wind that will threaten to knock me over. I’ll bring my book to amuse myself with while waiting around for hours on end for the bus to leave.
I look forward to a 6 hour drive back to my car, with my MP3 player plugged firmly into my ears. It will be a wonderful change of pace to drive from Pretoria to my house at 21h30, finding a new route back due to the horrific car accident on the N14, closing the exit I was planning to use.
Many thanks
Kate
Dear Amateur PR for SANParks
Is it too late to change my mind? This sounds like a horrible trip.
Many thanks
Kate
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