Dear Miss Kennedy
We’d like to invite you to visit Rwanda next week. We know
it’s really short notice, but it’s not like you need to arrange a visa before
we travel, so all we need you to do is pack a suitcase and bring your camera.
We’ll fly you up, issuing your ticket the day before so that
you have to rush to the bank to get the necessary forex for the entry ‘visa’ at
the airport. We do ask that you meet the group at ORTIA at 06h30 on the morning
of travel, but we won’t show up until after 07h00 to help check you in. Instead, you can wander aimlessly between the check-in counter and the sales counter to
confuse the hell out of the airline staff. But we’ll upgrade your seat to allow
you to have a business class experience on board.
We’ve arranged for five other media people to accompany us
on this trip. Some of them you’ll get on really well with, some will bug the
bejesus out of you, and others will barely make an impression. We’ll be late for just about everything and
then spend time arranging for you to do your job at various attractions,
because we haven’t thought ahead to arrange the necessary permission.
We’ll put you up in a couple of really nice hotels and feed
you a mountain of tasty food. We’ll
ferry you around in a large clunky vehicle. We’ll take you into the forest to see
the Golden Monkeys, and arrange permits for a gorilla viewing at the last
minute. We’ll also arrange a couple of last-minute interviews with really
interesting and relevant people, but as a result of just about everyone running
late, we’ll be late getting to the airport.
We do hope you’ll be able to join us.
Sincerely
PR for hotel group and airline
Dear PR for hotel group and airline
Thank you for your kind invite. I’ve been keen to see Rwanda
for a while now, so yes, I gladly accept.
I do have a Yellow Fever certificate, but it’s not
technically legal. I’m also not going to the trouble of getting malaria
medication – it’s a hassle and it’s expensive. Instead, I’m going to be
paranoid about mosquitoes; get ready for citronella-scented everything.
I don’t have time to get into any sort of shape for a forest
trek, but I’d like to visit the monkeys, so I’ll be sure to pack my all-weather
walking shoes and a butt-load of determination. The shoes are a little loose, so I do hope there’s no mud that will
threaten to suck them off my feet. And being that I’m not at all fit, I’ll be
the one lagging behind the group; the one who needs assistance with steep inclines
and ant nests; the one who slides down muddy slopes on my butt after losing my balance in aforementioned mud. I’ll also be the one who wants to leave early so that I don’t
hold the group on the way back to the vehicles. I’d appreciate your
co-operation with this.
I will decline a visit to the gorillas the next morning. I know
I’m not fit enough for the climb and I dislike the idea of being sweaty and
covered in mud for the last-minute interviews. I know it’s a once-in-a-lifetime
thing, but I’m worried that it might cut my lifetime short.
The only things I really want to do are visit a coffee
plantation, buy coffee and tea to take home, and visit a market to buy some
fabric. I see that none of this is on the itinerary. In that case, I might have
to coerce one of your drivers to taking me into town, and driving me to an ATM and
various shops to see if I can get the things I want. And if that doesn’t
produce the necessary results, I’ll do some duty free shopping at the airport. Considering
that we’ll be late checking in, I’ll be late getting to plane, and in my haste I’ll
forget my laptop at the last security point and require an escort to help me
retrieve it. Subsequently, the flight will be delayed by about 30 minutes.
I look forward to seeing firsthand the beauty of this
tropical climate, not to mention getting a few more stamps in my passport.
Many thanks
Kate
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